The final installment of my 'Dinner' story is longer than the first two, so I'll keep my introduction brief.
This painting (finished last week) holds a whole array of emotions for me. It's the first acrylic I've done that really holds its own when compared to my better oil paintings. It took about 12 hours (I lost myself in the details and enjoyed every minute of it), and I'm very happy with the final piece. But I also had a hard time finishing it because this cute, little sunflower project was created for one of my students who had expressed an interest in painting flowers, and the day she finished her painting (which was stunning by the way) turned out to be my last day teaching art classes at the non-profit where I volunteered. I won't go into details in this post. I'm still processing what happened, and the choices I had to make. Needless to say, the excitement I felt about finishing this painting lost a bit of its luster once I realized I wouldn't be able to share the final results with my students. And working on it was also a painful reminder of another chapter in my life that may now be behind me. I know I made the right choice. But I really loved teaching to my students, and I know they're suffering from the loss, which makes it very hard to feel good about things as they stand. I'll elaborate in a future post, once I've had time to figure things out. For now, enjoy the last installment of... My Dinner with Ego Part 3: He Ain't Heavy. He's My Ego. We were both relatively quiet while we ate; my silence, the result of surrendering my attention to all the subtle textures and flavors that lay before me. My curry dish was excellent. The chicken was incredibly succulent; the vegetables still crisp. The lime leaves added a tart, fruity element to the broth; the fresh basil leaves, an herbaceous finish. What stood out most to me though was the unique texture of the Thai eggplant. The quartered pieces were perfectly bite-sized; the flesh was soft and tender, but the seeds retained a crunchy quality, like fish eggs on sushi rolls. Before long, I was experiencing spiciness, on a very deep, personal level. I had underestimated what this restaurant considered medium heat, and the sweat on my forehead was telling. I added extra scoops of jasmine rice to the mix, hoping the aromatic grain would reduce the heat... but to no avail. I was in Nirvana. Persona, on the other hand, looked lost in thought. He ate his food absently, his eyes focused on some distant point in space. I imagined he was thinking back on what he'd said; wondering if it had effected me. Whatever was on his mind, the quiet was making him uneasy again. "Persona, It's important you understand where I'm coming from, so please indulge me while I share a few of my thoughts and experiences." "I'll start with one of the big catalysts behind my shift in thinking. It's an idea we've encountered in several books and movies over the past few years. Forgive me for going a little abstract on you" I held up my spoon; twisting it back and forth by the handle, admiring the distorted reflections in the concave surface. "'Seth Speaks', a book I discovered when I was in my teens, described that we manifested this spoon as a prop to use in our 'play'; a form-based projection, constructed from our own mental energy. The world of Quantum Physics, would describe this spoon as the potentiality of molecules, appearing to join together almost consciously, to fulfill a function. In Buddhism, the spoon would be described as an illusion of form. Eckhart Tolle, an author I discovered very recently, would say it was the instability of form, impermanent and ever changing." "Personally, I think it was expressed most directly by that kid in 'The Matrix', who simply said 'there is no spoon'." "Each of these suggestions basically points to the same idea; that this spoon is essentially an illusion. I find it intriguing so many sources, spanning thousands of years, and from different schools of thought, could suggest such a similar concept." I put the spoon down on the table, done using it for my demonstration. I hoped it would dematerialize (to illustrate my point); but I had curry left, and the spoon knew it still served a purpose; so it remained. I continued. "Just this one suggestion of forms being an 'illusion' has renewed my imagination; it's rekindled that feeling of magic I haven't felt since I was a child. It’s inspired me to view everything differently. And yes... it's the reason I try to commune with the trees... and animals, and rocks for that matter." I smiled. "But my new perspective came with a price." "My interpretation of reality has been altered so radically, I'm struggling to fit in." "This world is utterly ruled by the illusion of form, and it's difficult to live the way I want to live, knowing 'bliss won't pay the bills', as you so eloquently put it." "This is where you come in." I took a deep breath... centered myself. "Persona, you are a skilled tactician in this world. You know the rules, and you know how to play by them. You enjoy the challenge of interacting with the same elements that make me uncomfortable." "Let me stop you right there." Persona interjected. "You're little 'world without cutlery' sounds fascinating and all, but you have yet to explain why it's my responsibility to shelter you from this 'illusion'." His tone was thick and mocking. "It sounds to me like you're the one with problems. I'm doing just fine." "The answer is simple." I replied. "You're not happy." He was taken aback by my statement. And I could see by the look in his eyes, he knew I was right. Whether he liked it or not, I knew Persona better than he knew himself. I was his silent observer, after all. "I know that sounds like a bold statement, but stop and think about it..." "You see conflict everywhere." "You watch the news, read the newspaper, every day, even though it makes you angry and depressed. You feel persecuted by people with opposing political and religious views. You don't feel like you get the respect and appreciation you deserve from the people at work, at home... at the grocery store for that matter. Even rush hour traffic gets your blood boiling." "And you think you could do better?!?" The volume of his voice had spiked considerably. His blood was boiling. "That's what I'm trying to say." I interjected. "I don't believe anyone can do better; not if the scope of their existence rests only on the surface. Living a life with limited perception is like unknowingly wearing blinders. It's one reason most people are dissatisfied with their existence, without ever understanding why." "Limited awareness equates to fewer choices; less opportunity for meaningful growth." I paused for a moment, hoping to take the conversation in a more positive direction. "But there are tools for personal change." "I'll give you a simple Zen Buddhist teaching I used as a conduit for starting my own self awareness. It's practiced in many Eastern ideologies." "The basic idea is to simply question 'everything', especially your own beliefs. This is a surprisingly easy step toward breaking out of old patterns." "Frankly speaking, we've each seen different things, been taught different things through the course of our lives. We are a product of our environment and are therefore a collective race of infinitely unique perspectives." "With so many human variables walking this planet simultaneously, it's no wonder many of us feel alone, even in a crowded room. No two people are having the same experience." "The question then becomes: if none of us is sharing the same experience, can there be one true reality?" "This is where a lot of my new thinking comes in. If I entertain ideas outside my comfort zone, I open doors to greater awareness. In other words, by disbelieving what I think is real, I open myself to the possibility of seeing beyond my own limitations." "This has become my mantra." Persona looked at me skeptically. "So all I have to do is disbelieve in this table, and just like that, my noodles will fall in my lap? Or are the noodles illusion too?" He huffed. "Let me give you an example that pretty much disintegrates the little box you're thinking is confined to right now. This is just one aspect of the illusion of our existence; one that is purely scientific, and illustrates a basic truth most of us overlook." "We perceive things with our senses; they tell us the objects around us are solid." I pressed down on the table. "Our lives are filled with objects that serve a purpose: food, clothing, furniture. Our roofs protect us from the weather; our walls separate us from each other." "But if you take a look at any matter on an elemental level, there is almost no substance. All matter is made up of atoms, collectively moving around each other in space. Take that down to a sub-atomic level, and you now have protons and neutrons at the nucleus, surrounded by distantly orbiting electrons. But again, it's mostly space." "It is scientifically proven that matter is almost entirely made up of space, yet we still perceive it as solid. Our physical senses are not capable of telling us the whole story, and we continue believing the illusion." "I believe the path to enlightenment lies in moving past those illusions." "What does that have to do with anything?" He scornfully replied, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair. "What does that have to do with my being unhappy?" "The reason I believe you're unhappy is because you measure your value almost entirely through physical objects: your suits are tailor made, your house is filled with the newest technology, your car is more a 'status symbol' than functional." "Eventually, a new gadget comes out, and you feel lessened for a time, until you’re able to acquire it. Then something falls to disrepair, and you feel lessened for a time, until you’re able to fix it. You see yourself more as the objects that surround you, than you see yourself as who you are inside. If the condition of those objects is less than perfect, you see yourself as less than perfect. This kind of addiction to form is a guaranteed path to suffering." "So you're telling me my situation is hopeless unless I go the way of the hermit and give away all my worldly possessions? Fat chance of that happening." "I guess what I'm trying to say is your soul is your only true possession, everything else is just a loaner. If you can avoid feeling a sense of attachment to the things around you, you are freed to enjoy them for what they are, and not mistake them for who you are." "It's all about recognizing the impermanency of form, and being at peace with it; another example of our reality versus our perception of reality." "Personally, I find this stuff fascinating, and liberating." Persona leaned toward me. "And I find it irritating, and a waste of time. I have too many responsibilities in this so called illusion of yours to entertain such ideas. I would have a mental breakdown if I tried to replace your way of thinking, with the kind of thinking I need, just to survive each day." "Precisely why it's so important we work as a team." I presented my next thought quietly and respectfully. "Functioning in this world is your specialty; uncovering the illusions, so we can be at peace, is mine. Together we form the perfect union for not only surviving, but also loving this experience. We are vital to each other's success." "And I apologize for not understand that, before now." It was my turn to sit back in the chair and wait, hopeful I had made my point; hopeful Persona wasn't simply too lost in thought to care. He sat quietly, but his expression was no longer that of irritation. There was a clarity in his eyes; an understanding. "I have to admit, I see your point." I breathed a mental sigh of relief. Our waiter arrived to clear the table, and placed our cheque between us. We waited quietly, and thanked him for the experience as he departed. "So where do we go from here?" was his next question. "The next step is easy." I said. "You do what you do best. I'll do what I do best. You keep me from losing myself to the world around us. I'll keep you from losing yourself to the rat race that runs it. It seems like a pretty harmonious relationship to me." “You’re not going to start running naked through the trees if I agree to your terms, are you?” He mocked me. “Of course not.” I replied. “At least, not just yet.” I grinned. "Then it sounds like a pretty good place for us to start again. Lets give it a shot." He said, as he slid his chair back from the table. "Now if you don't mind, my brain is full. I think I'll call it a night. Dinner's on me Satori... unless you want to try paying with 'bliss'." He smiled. "I suspect your way is more socially acceptable... and thank you" I smiled back. "Have a good evening, Persona" I stood up to shake his hand. "You as well." I left Persona with the cashier, walked across the restaurant floor, and pushed open the door into the cool night air. I was looking forward to the walk home... and to feeling whole again.
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AuthorHello everyone. I'm Justin Mackay. I'm a creative soul, an explorer of life's mysteries, and a big fan of all the beauty in the world. If you're just here for the paintings, then head on over to my Art tab. If you wish to delve deeper into the odd thoughts of a pondering mind, then this is the place for you. Archives
February 2018
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